Salt

I have no patience with ambiguity and indecision.

Wavering between what clothes to wear? Just pick a shirt and get on with it already. If you really hate it, then pack the other choice and change in the bathroom at work. Problem solved.

Can't decide what time you want to leave for dinner? X minutes for travel + Y minutes for traffic + Z minutes for emergencies - time of dinner reservation = departure time. Boom. Roasted.

You say you're a Christian, yet you go everywhere but Christ's words for answers to your questioning? You don't like what you read in the Bible, so you rationalize away your stubbornness in following your own will, then claim it's the Bible's fault for being vague? I'm sickened - and saddened - by that double-mindedness. If it is a fault, then I am guilty but I feel no shame in this.

Life is complex for sure, but I think we pretend it's complexities are inevitable, so we sink into philosophizing about social norms, religion and morality....and then do nothing.

Money is useless if you do nothing with it. If it sits under your mattress for years and years, rotting to dust until it crumbles away, then it has been wasted. It doesn't matter how big your pile of money dust is, or how loudly you brag about how much it was worth, it's still worthless because you did nothing with it.

Such is also true about philosophizing, which is, I'm coming to think, just an educated way of saying that you straddle the fence and can't decide on which side you will fall. It doesn't matter how much you talk about morality if it doesn't affect the way you live. It doesn't matter that - seriously now, listen to this, think about it, chew on it - it doesn't matter that you talk about God if you do not live a godly life and if His holy fire is not burning out your heart with uncontrollable, intemperate love.

I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.

Actually....

No, I'm not sorry at all.

Because there ARE answers to your questions, and there are very concrete principles in the Christian life, whether or not they are easily digestible. The harder you chew on them, the more they will sustain your faith in a God more powerful and loving than you can ever realize. The deeper you chase God into the Bible, the more you will find that His searing, healing love burns off our pride, purifying us like newly forged steel so that we, far from merely mirroring Him, have become Him.

Don't confuse the message with the messenger. I haven't got this whole thing down pat yet, either, but passion to know my Savior has burned away my fear of being misunderstood and, frankly, of being disliked for speaking the truth. The truth means more to me than anyone who cannot bear to hear it spoken. This is neither intolerance nor arrogance. It's love.

The truth of the Gospel is called "salt" and "light" (Matthew 5:13-16, btw), because the truth burns and illuminates that which strives to be hidden, not because it tastes nice and makes things look good.

"Kansas City/Hey Hey Hey Hey!"

The week before Easter, the Nazarene Publishing House called me back concerning my application for an internship...

...and I got it! I've been accepted as an intern to WordAction Press in Kansas City, Missouri! 

Now keep in mind that, for a word nerd like me who wanted to work in a Christian industry, this is Mecca. For so long, I've felt torn between jobs that I want and jobs that I can get, but this is the bridge between what I love and what pays. This is the job I've wanted for so long but I was at a loss, because I was too shy (or lacking faith?) to just go for it. I've tried so many other venues - teaching, journalism, writing - but nothing fit, and I couldn't explain why I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin in these jobs. There was no motivation to apply to anything, no direction for any job. 

But this one was different. As I flipped through a flyer from NPH advertising for interns, my heart began to race - "I could do this... I could actually do this!" As surely as the sun rises each morning, I felt God's certainty descend on me that this was the Yellow Brick Road of directions. There have been a handful of these God-given certainties before now, and they have always been followed by huge blessings and deeply challenging times. And when I've doubted the certainty and chosen not to take the risk, I've felt a sense of God's sadness, as if I've chosen not to explore his blessing on my life and that I've missed out.

Moving cross-country for a two-month-long internship is a very expensive risk. No job is guaranteed after the internship, and the intern must supply food, transportation, housing, etc, while working for minimum wage - or for free - in an unfamiliar area. I have no money, since I've funneled my paycheck into paying school loans for the past four years, which means that I have no savings, no car, no resources to do anything other than live with my parents and pay off my school loans.

I've used all of this as an excuse to stay in my happy little Pennsylvania comfort zone, ignoring my own obvious hypocrisy while I encourage others to break out of their narrow experiences. And what better way for God to convert this hypocrite than to draw me to a mirror and show that the comfort-zone-loving person is none other than myself? Yikes. A little embarrassment there, not to mention a lesson in humility. How dare I doubt the certainty that God had placed on my heart about the NPH internship? How could I possibly feel justified in not applying if I knew that God would take care of my needs if I got accepted?

 

The day NPH called me and I accepted the position, I was flat broke. After I hung up the phone (and hollered in sheer triumph for a minute or two...or five...), I sat at my desk and dropped my head between my knees, fervently thanking God for giving me this opportunity, and for a way out of cleaning houses and dogsitting for another summer. And then the panic set in - how in the world was I supposed to come up with hundreds of dollars for gas money, tolls, a hotel, meals and my first month's rent? Though I had a full time job all throughout college, I only took home $15 each week. It would be at least two weeks after I started at the Publishing House before my first paycheck there, and there was no way I could come up with that money between now and then. I didn't even have anywhere to live.

Everything before now has been all well and good, but here is the part you'll want to read:

Two days after NPH called, someone dropped off an envelope for me at my office. Inside was $200 cash, and an anonymous letter reading, "God's money is for his people to do his work." Two hundred dollars is the exact amount of gas money I needed, and I hadn't told anyone that yet.

But I still needed somewhere to stay, somewhere cheap, with a non-psychotic family, and that family would want me to pay rent - which I couldn't afford. Again, the panic, again the prayer. What I really needed was to live somewhere for free, but I understood that just wouldn't happen - except by a miracle.

Fast forward two weeks - the day before I graduated, a woman from NPH called me. She and her husband (a youth pastor) were also ENC grads and were willing to open their house to me if I was willing. They knew my boyfriend and we had several friends in common, and in talking to her, I felt another sense of certainty and peace. And then she said it, the words which made my heart drop and nearly brought me to tears - "My husband and I consider it a ministry to open our house to people who need it. We've never charged anyone to live here, and we certainly would not start charging with you." 

There you have it, ladies and gents. In plain black and white, you have the concrete, very real story of faith given, faith rewarded, of grace given and grace received. I may not be eloquent, I stutter and ramble, and sometimes get lost in over-thinking and worrying, but I will never again doubt. Here, in plain black and white (technically the computer pixels are a rainbow of colors but we won't get into that now), you have the story of Philippians 4:19 come to life.

"And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus."

Amen.

(And shame on you if you didn't recognize the title of this blog as a Beatles' song!)