This is Part A, because I'm convinced Part B will follow.

I didn't think it would be like this.

Frustrating, sure. Moneyless, absolutely. Only a lucky few college graduates walk off the platform and into a full-time, permanent job. The rest of us press into the workforce, fired up and ready to hand out resumes to whomever will take them.

But not deadening. Not suffocating. Didn't see that one coming.

I get that some level of disillusionment is normal. I understand that, after such an adrenaline-drenched experience as college, the process of coming down off that high is often an emotionally brittle time. I also realize that trying to reason this with your heart only goes so far.

In all honesty, I'm not worried about the job search itself; there will always be jobs for people willing to work. No, it's that I think I've burned the candle at both ends so long that I've burnt myself out, long before I even got started on what really matters. I feel like I've used up all my energy and talents, so that there is very little left to work with. That's not exactly a comforting realization at the onset of a job search meant to propel the searcher into a fulfilling and decently well-paying career of...well, we'll get to that.

The only thing I know these days is this: Deus providebit.

Then again...isn't that all we ever need to know?

Philosophia

I'm home.

I love Kansas City. I love the back roads and the barbecue shacks and the Spanish-style plaza downtown. I love how the early morning sun hits the skyline right where 23rd Street crests between Independence and downtown. I love the barely-tamed Wild West feel of the River City Market and the steep hills throughout the city blocks leading to the library, where the outside steps are painted as book spines and the soaring columns are obscured by the trees. I love the jazz music floating down 18th and Vine, where dark, shabby men carry upright basses and trombone cases to the Blue Room for an improv jam session. The bright blue Royals Stadium looked luminous from the highway, a massive half-spere in the floodlights of a twilight game. Some evenings were s'mores over the fire pit, some were nights out on the Plaza or swimming in a friend's pool, and other nights were storytelling on Skype, intent on weaving the thread of daily life into another's day. 

Those two months in Kansas City became a lifetime and a lifeline, both linking me to this new home and keeping me away from those I loved before, itself a bridge and a wall. 

So now, I am home, and another chapter of my life is about to begin. I'm glad I went, so glad I stayed out there, but it's good to rest where the homes of those I love correspond with the location of all my stuff :) 

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, especially now that I'm back to job searching. And keep on reading--maybe one day soon you'll find that I have something interesting to say!